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Current Mood

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determined

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I woke up this morning feeling good.  Seriously - first time in 3 weeks. 

This weight loss is so much more than diet and exercise...it's soul-searching.  It's realizing how far you have come, yet trying to hold onto grips, and not think about how far you have truly come, cuz you know you have some more things to do, some more mountains to climb to get to the top.

I've come a long way, I know it, I feel it, yet scared to admit it to myself.  I get the feeling every move I make sometimes is looked at.  It's my own self-image and self-esteem issues, I'm sure, but I also know it's so not. 

I read a blog today (Isabeau) that had me sit here and just take a look back at life, and how food has affected me and made me whole again.  It's helped me and yet it has hurt and scarred me.  It's been my best friend and my worst enemy. 

Being a little girl, I've encountered many many many life altering events.  I've watched some stuff that would make a person buckle and just not be able to handle it.  I don't talk about it all that much for fear of being judged that I am trying to get attention or trying to be pitied, but really if you know me, you know that's not me, but tonight it's gonna be different, I'm going to talk about some of the stuff I've encountered, and why I turned to food, and why sometimes it is a hard battle for me to fight. 

My parents were the most loving people I have ever met.  Seriously.  I was bought up and taken care of well.  There was one problem - our household was addicted-filled.  They drank; I ate.  That's how it was.  I was a food addict on the rise.  Every day I looked and craved for it like an alcoholic may crave and look for a drink; like a drug addict may crave and look for a joint. 

My aunt Joanie lived with us - God Bless her soul.  She was schitzophrenic.  Lots of personalities going on in that house.  Stuff a child should never see - stuff I wish somedays I never saw, but also glad I saw them...she would pace back and forth in our halls, have a good 3-4 cigarettes in her mouth at one time, and just talk to herself constantly.  She was a very loving person.  I just don't know how I handled watching all this. I loved her that's how I handled it! 

I couldn't fix my parents sickness as much as I tried by helping them with as much as I could, I couldn't fix it at all.  My mom died and left me at 10 years old, my world was shattered to pieces honestly.  She was my best friend, and just recently I discovered that had she still been alive and still drinking - I don't think I'd be able to put up with her alcoholism, I don't think we'd be friends if she were still alive and an alcoholic.  I think my life today would be totally different than it is now. 

My dad, I was close to him, but not as close as me and my mom were.  I remember when he had his stroke - I had just come home from school and saw him on the floor, laying there not able to get up - I couldn't lift him up either.  I didn't understand what went wrong...nothing came together that day...I didn't know what was happening.  All I knew was that as my mom was in the hospital getting chemo (and coming home soon), my dad was laying there on the floor praying that his daughter would be able to help him up and keep it all a secret; I felt bad I couldn't help this over 300 pound man--my father up.  I couldn't fix everything that was going on around me, I couldn't cure all those sicknesses, I couldn't do anything, the only thing I wanted to do was eat, and that helped me feel less chaotic, it helped me get MY fix...I thought in the end that would maybe help them. 

The way I fixed anything sad was with food.  I didn't realize how damaging that may have been to me.  I didn't care honestly - I was a kid.  Going back to me being ages 7, 8, 9, 10 makes me really truly want to take that kid and nurture her, love her, and just make her know she can't fix it all, and won't be able to.  With weight loss...it is about the soul searching and going back years upon years upon years as to WHY you became this food addict.  It hurts to re-acknowledge the childhood, but then it feels good when it's released, and you do become less numb to it, and ready to embrace it.

There was a time when I would never even utter the words "mom" -- petrified of being the self-pitied kid, and being force fed because I was upset.  Imagine that.  Grown ups seem to not know what to do when faced with some major things like comforting a young parentless kid, I got whatever I wanted to eat for the next few months after my parents died.  Back then, in the 80s there was nothing wrong with that, seriously...and I don't blame anyone for giving me food when I was upset.  I have to realize their position as well.  I can't imagine the sheer heartache each one of my family members went through watching their aunt, and sister pass away and watching this child (me) have to lose both parents before being 13 years old.  So of course I'd get what I wanted...they couldn't "fix" me to make me happy and the only way I was happy was by me fixing me by putting food in MY OWN mouth.

Fast Forward to today - the 30 year old me, and I'm stuck still.  Stuck with food, sometimes struggling to make it day by day with the calories (points) I am to only play with in a day.  Some days it is a cinch other days I can eat everything in sight. 

I'll go to a party and tense up for the fact of people watching what goes in your mouth.  I am told that it's most likely that they aren't really watching what you eat, but it's just me thinking that they are.  I don't buy that honestly.  I'm overweight - I am not blind.  I see the way strangers look and I know they wonder what I'm going to put on my plate.  Or those girls that are thinner than anything who will make the snide remarks; again: I'm overweight - not deaf.

Going to a place where I know I will be eating (be it a party, a get-together, etc) I seriously get tense, and it's that overwhelming feeling that I feel.  That feeling that I just really would love to get the food and go hide in a corner and eat it, sneak whatever I need to so that I can eat alone.  Leave me alone while I sit here and eat...I feel like I am sometimes looked at under a microscope.  I just want to be "Normal".  I often wonder if the ALWAYS skinny people ever have these thoughts.  I'm not talking about the people who have lost weight and are NOW skinny, but the ones that have always been skinny.  I often wonder why sometimes I do get that feeling of leave me alone while I eat.  I want to be fixed of this food addiction.  I'm realizing that I'm getting there, but this process that I'm in right now is probably the most hardest and yet amazing thing I have ever encountered in my life.  Seriously. 

This journey is so much more than just about food and exercise.  It's about fixing what is broken.  I heard that for the first time last year on Biggest Loser, and I did not understand that phrase back then.  I thought "what is broken?" seriously - that's what I thought when Suzy and Matt sat there saying that last year.  "What is broken?" imagine that?  It was not clear to me that there was something broken.  I barely saw my feet last year, never mind the fact that there was something broken.  It's funny now, cuz I can clearly see the things that I'm constantly trying to mend within me, and succeeding in mending some things, and others are almost mended but they are needing more of my time to mend. 

The 7 and 8 year old girl I need to keep nurturing and telling her it's going to be okay.  The 10 year old motherless daughter who doesn't know which way to turn to.  The 13 year old parentless girl numbing hurt, depression, sadness, and heartache away with food.  The 19 year old who lost her aunt (the one who raised her) to cancer and not really dealing with it til years later...this is what I need to fix, this is what this journey is all about...Fixing what is broken...and I am, and I will.  It's what I NEED to do to FIX the 30 year old me.  How to do it?  BE HEALTHY!

This journey is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. I've met some of the greatest people, friends and supporters.  People I never thought were out there...these people on my path from the start.  The ones that have helped me push when I thought there was no more drive left in me.  The ones that would email me and say you will do this, and you will continue to do this when all I really really wanted to do was to quit. "Keep on Keepin On" one email said...and that's what I'll do - KEEP ON KEEPING ON. 

I know at any given day if I'm having a "throw in the towel" day I know I will be able to count on most of you for a help up...and that my friends is what I need.  It's the support, love you give me that is helping fix what is broken; it's the drive to keep going, and not let this addiction take over that helps me realize what is really really needed from me to do this.  It's fighting for that childhood that somehow I missed out on, for getting my life back, for feeling better about myself, and for mending the broken pieces; it's all that and so much more as to why I do this journey...somedays it's a fight, others it's a walk in the park...and I know this is a lifestyle change - for better or for worse ;)!

KEEP ON KEEPING ON! 

[	Current Mood	|	rejuvenated	]
[	Current Music	|	Crazy - James Michael Mix	]

Wow - haven't journalled on this in ages - been journalling on Myspace, but I figured I'd journal here tonight (well, okay okay I journalled on myspace earlier this evening, but hey why not journal in 2 places???)...just in case the people on here don't get to see the myspace one for whatever reason and vice versa...LOL!!!  So this is what I put on myspace:

It's official...Jetta is gone...anyone that wants to remember this pile of rubbage, can do so here!!!  Okay - actually I can't say that fully...I did cry somewhat when I was taking out the CD's of the 5-disc changer...and then I cried again when I actually drove it for the last time!!!  So, I can't say I didn't miss it, but it's gone now, and I couldn't be happier, let me tell you!!! 

Allison and Debbie:  Thank you both for helping me out with a lot - and helping me figure out what to do and all that fun stuff...I don't think I would've been able to keep calm without either one of you...so thank you both for helping me out with this WHOLE deal, etc...whether it was to get the emails/IMs from me venting/crying or the voicemails, phone calls, etc...and you were both right by saying:  "It'll all work out" and it did - So I just want to say thank you to the both of you - whether you know it or not - Your friendship means a lot to me, and thank you both again for helping me out TREMENDOUSLY!!!! 

Melissa:  Just wow - THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!!!  I don't know what I would've done without you on Saturday....you helped me sell the car, and then bought me down to my Uncles down the shore...it means ever soooo much to me to have you as a friend...even though at times we have that whole Sibling rivalry to our friendship, I hope you know your friendship means a lot to me, and I seriously can't thank you enough for all your help with helping me out with the whole car situation!!!!  :)!

So yeah - I know anyone else who is reading this probably thinks I am nuts (for blogging about cars, and thanking certain friends), but I mean seriously without those 3 people named above I would've been crawled up in a corner crying, it just means a lot to have awesome people in my life, etc...

So, what else...Nothing really going on...went to the Mets game on Sunday with Debbie, her mom and her friend Tara - OMG had sooo much fun....made me realize how I am really truly a Mets fan still!!  I use to be OBSESSED with the Mets...I mean shirts, hats, Videos, pins, etc...everything Mets, you name it - I had!!!  So, yeah I am back with the Mets!!!!  "meet the mets, meet the mets, come on along and greet the mets" That song was from 1988/1989ish LMAO!!!!

Well, that's all for the blogging right now...I'll probably blog later this week!!!  :) :) - try to have a great Monday everyone!!!

What else???  Been in a really weird funky kinda mood...very very grateful for the people in my life, and just feel very blessed...and very lucky to have the people I have in my life...ahh - if you know me, you know I can be emotional at times :) :) :)!!!  It's funny - I never thought I'd be able to "weed out" the fake people in my life - but it looks like I have, and with the whole weeding out process, I weeded in (can you weed in or is it just "weed out" LOL???) a few great ones in, and I just couldn't be more grateful.  It's funny, in a weird way, I am now dealing with a lot of pain that has been "stored" for a long time inside me, and it's actually pouring out slowly and not in a painful, crying, hurtful form, but more of a WOW - I did this, did that, dealt with this, etc. form, and man it feels soooo good to share some of the stories, memories, etc...with certain people I know I can trust!!!  AHHH I TOLD YOU I HAVE BEEN EMOTIONAL LATELY LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I think it's time for me to head offline - and into bed....kinda tired tonight :)!!!  Goodnight all!!!!!!!!

Theresa

[	Current Mood	|	nostalgic	]
[	Current Music	|	alanis morissette-Jagged Little Pill	]

I put this in my myspace blog, but I thought I'd put it in here too :)!! If you are on myspace - go comment on it please :) here it is:

So, I actually bought the full enhanced Jagged Little Pill CD 2 nights ago (yes, I originally bought it in Starbucks in NYC on June 13 w/Cesar - while waiting for about 6 hours (in tower records) to get into the Alanis concert in Starbucks (which we did - thanks Jason))!!! Okay so since that’s all out in the open - phew....So, back to my story...I got it home, put it in the computer, watched the video, and something told me to actually open the booklet, so I did...thinking I would just look at the pictures again, and just glance....well not this time. I literally read it front to back, lyrics and all. The butterflies that swarmed my stomach, and stirred such a feeling while reading the lyrics is something undescribable. It actually dawned on me that I haven’t read ONE Jagged Little Pill Lyric since the day I got it back in 1995 (cuz obviously I memorized the songs). I thought of a bunch of things while going through all these lyrics, here are some:

--- the way 1995 hit me like a ton of bricks

--- the feeling I got when I found out my aunt (my only "mother figure" left in my life) had cancer, found out in 1995, MaryJane was the song that was on REPEAT when I heard that news

--- The day I graduated, and how I didn’t have my parents there

--- When I found out the person I liked told me he was gay

--- The nights drinking with Trish, Ralph and crew that summer

--- Dealing with watching my aunt slowly die of cancer

--- My cat who I had to say good-bye to

--- My cousin Michael being born

--- The day I got Jagged Little Pill - in Sam Goody - literally trying to sing You Oughta Know to the salespeople, and finally found it in the store after seeing it was in front of my face on the wall (Trish had the headphones on and listening to it), and I remembered screaming in the store "OH MY GOD THAT IS IT....and with no hesitation bought it....the rest is history...

I don’t know what it was the other night - but the true appreciation for this album finally touched me. I was wondering why I wasn’t feeling all the hype about 10 years of Jagged Little Pill, I mean yes, it’s an amazing cd, but I kept saying to myself, why all the hype?? It finally hit me and hit me hard. This CD, was the CD that I cried to, laughed to, sang to, opened up to, and poured my heart into. Never, ever has a CD touched so many emotions in so many ways, on so many levels as this CD has, and continues to do! A DECADE!!!!! I’ve grown so much from 10 years ago, yeah I may be that same giddy, funny person you knew 10 years ago, but a lot has changed in my life. I feel more connected to my family....my friendships I treasure a lot, I’ve gained some pretty amazing friends because of Alanis, I’ve moved out of my house into an apartment and moved out of that apartment into my current one, and a lot more! I am still that same person that you knew when and if you knew me back in 1995 - I will at any given moment perform the Ironic video in your car, etc...so all in all - 10 YEARS of these songs becoming a permanent fixture in my life, I can honestly say I feel very safe and at home with these 13 songs. If you think about it, and if you are a Alanis fan, and if you are reading this - you know EXACTLY what I am saying, and you probably feel the same way....but here’s a survey for you, comment your answers, etc...I’m interested to know :):

1. What was the first Jagged Little Pill song that you connected to right away back in 1995? And Why?

2. If you think about 1995 what are some of the things you think of?

3. What was the VERY first reaction to this CD?

4. What was the saddest thing that happened to you during the first year JLP was out?

5 What was the happiest thing that happened to you during the first year JLP was out?

Last but not least:

6. How have you "evolved" from 10 years ago?

I know that this is a blog completely filled with Jagged Little Pill memories, but it was definitely needed imo...it's just amazing how many emotions one cd can have on someone...and I just wanted to share them :)!!! Just wanted to also "tip the hat"   to this album!!!

Well, thank you for reading this Jagged Little Emotional Pill blog :) :)!!!

~T~

[	Current Mood	|	stressed	]
[	Current Music	|	Listening to the drip on the towel	]

For anyone who doesn't know by now...I saw my little munchkin (my lil cousin Rory) this weekend - after not seeing him for 3 weeks, and well, here are some pics that I took....when he saw me...he jumped up, and of course I picked him up, he gave me a huge hug and said "Me missed you soooo much T-T" - ummm did I melt??  Of course I did...and he couldn't decide what we should play first...just kept grabbing my hand pulling me all over the place, showing me his toys, and we played some transformer game, went in the pool and had dinner together!!  Here are some pics...

              
T-T and Rory - taken just when                   Michael(9), Rory(3) and Sean(7)                Rory before dinner
I got to the house we took this picture :) 

        
Rory in his bike Helmet                     Rory going swimming - right after we heard thunder (see the scared look??)

                   The 3 amigos again

And well that's it!!  LOL....yeah I am relieved to see the kids again - still haven't seen the other two sunshines in my life (Sam-12 and Jack-10), but soon I will :)

Okay - so not literally 5 minutes ago - I had to stop this update and go tend to the central air unit LOL!!!  It's leaking in my hallway (Hey A, I have towels lined up here - here goes slip N Slide for real LMAO).  I think the reason is - dopey me - I left the air on ALL day long while I was at work and well I don't know - water just seems to be dripping down onto my towels but it's a slow drip - ughh whatever!!  LOL!! 

Car - still not fixed - don't forsee me getting that thing fixed for another 2 months...I just don't lock my doors when I get inside the car (They use to just lock automatically) but I'll be damned if I am locking them and then be stuck in the car with no way to open windows or unlock doors HELL NO!!!  It's bad enough I get into the car every morning without completely having a dam anxiety attack due to clostophobic issues LOL!!!  Oh well...poor car - but it'll get fixed soon enough!

Work - I have an intense 4.5 hour training session to go through tomorrow morning from 8:15am - 12:30pm....don't want to go but do I have a choice in the matter???  That would be a big NO!!  At least the day will go by faster being in the training session!!

Well, time for me to go drench out this towel and then go watch some TV (do you think "Home Improvement" is on LMAO)??? 

Goodnight!!

Okay - so I finished watching an episode of the show (it was on HBO and I just couldn't resist)...dam dam dam do I miss this show soooooooooooo much!!!  This episode was the one where Carrie decides to move to Paris with what's his face (never really liked that relationship, etc..), made me laugh hysterical (pretty much like all those episodes...) so I think I will do a dedication to that show on this entry...had to be my FAVORITE show of all time - and dammit that it got shut off!!!!

Some really awesome (some very funny) Sex and the City Quotes (got from a website):

Carrie: Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn't fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it's comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you're very lucky, a plane ride away

Carrie: I admit it's tempting to wish for the perfect boss, the perfect parent, or the perfect outfit. But maybe the best any of us can do is not quit, play the hand we've been dealt, and accessorize what we've got.

[Miranda pulls a chain of condoms out of her diaper bag.]
Samantha: Oh, honey, isn't the baby birth control enough?
Miranda: They're Steve's. And Debbie's, his new girlfriend, that's her name. Debbie.
Carrie: Where are they doing it, Gymboree?
Samantha: Debbie does daycare.
[Brady picks up the condoms and puts them in his mouth. Charlotte is horrified.]
Samantha: Oh, honey, relax. I have those in my mouth all the time.

Carrie: When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun, then you grow up and learn to be cautious; you could break a bone, or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there is no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?

Carrie: You broke up with James because he was too small. This guy's too big. Who are you, Goldicocks?
Samantha: Yep! I'm looking for one that's juuuust right.

Louis: I have to say, this is my first trip to New York...not for me. The garbage, the noise, I don't know how you put up with it.
Carrie: Thanks. I had a great time.
Louis: Wait, you're going home alone? It's rough out there.
Carrie: Nah. It isn't so bad.
Carrie (voiceover): If Louis was right, and you only get one great love, then New York may just be mine...and I can't have nobody talkin' shit about my boyfriend.

You're Most Like Miranda! You value intellect and
sensibility, but you want people to see you can
be fun and daring as well. When people
need a shoulder to cry on, your heart melts and
all pretense of fearing emotion goes away.

What 'Sex and the City' Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Wow I miss this show!!!  Made Sundays seem less "dreadful" due to the next day being Monday!!!  Oh well!!!  Time for some ice cream and then some cleaning...(due to me NOT cleaning during the day when I was soppose to) Woo hooo such fun huh???  :)!!!

[	Current Mood	|	grateful	]
[	Current Music	|	Wake Up (Jagged Little Pill Acoustic) - Alanis	]

So...this week has been soooo crazy at work!!!  Turns out I got a call yesterday from a co-worker (she usually calls me almost every night to vent about work)...Mind you I went to work EVERY FREAKING DAY this week at 6:00am (when I don't have to be in there til 7:30) to work on a project...she said to me on the phone..."I'm just telling you this as a warning...you left 2 minutes early, and one of our Underwriters noticed everyone leaving early, and you left at 3:43pm, and she mentioned something like why is everyone leaving early"...I totally understand "These are our hours, etc" but come on...there's a BIG HUGE possiblity that I may get talked to on Monday about it (someone from my team got talked to yesterday about leaving 4 mins early)...and GOD needs to hold my tongue if I do get talked to about this...2 MINUTES!!!!!!!  If they have nothing else to complain/yell at people about - I sure as hell can give them examples of what is going on that REALLY need to be discussed with people (but that's not my way of going about things)...but whatever!!!!  I think it MAY BE resume time again!!!  Such petty shit going on and it's just completely annoying....people yelling at me for giving them work that my boss had me give them, attitudes just needs to tone it down, I feel like a dam robot...Rosie the Robot from the Jetsons: "YES MR. JETSON - HOW CAN I HELP YOU...RIGHT AWAY SIR"

Other than all that...I am hanging in there!!  I actually got an email from my cousin Cathi- she use to be really close to my mom (not any of the cousins here)...this is what it said:

I was discussing, in length, the mom thing with my therapist. Aunt "Cake" (my mom's name was Catherine, they all called her Cake (her other nickname was Kay)) has been much on my mind.

Remember Theresa...your Mom's dreams all came true. All she ever wanted was a house and a child...never asked for anything else, and broke her butt to have her dream.....you were her dream come true. And not many people in the world can say that they have fulfilled their dreams.

So with all that - I'm gonna post a picture of my mom and me (I was probably only like 2 or 3 here)....

Now I know and understand the WHOLE dream come true thing...but very weird/awesome to hear that I was her dream come true!!  I don't mean that in a bad way at all...I mean that I can't believe that I wanted to "do away with myself" about 2 years ago - and I almost did...now to think about that, and realize if I did do it, and such that my mom's dream come true would've been wasted...just puts a HUGE WOW in my brain....and makes me realize EVER so more that I need to LIVE LIFE to the fullest, if that means going out and making my dreams come true, meeting up with friends that care, touching base with other family members, volunteering to help others...I don't know what...but I do know that it must be something!!!  I just think SOMETIMES that I am being pulled through life rather than me pushing through it!!  I also realize that money really really really doesn't mean happiness...it'll contribute a lot to it :) - but to fully say it'll bring me happiness - not true....my mom (actually both my parents) struggled through life without money, we had food stamps, we really didn't have that much, but we were ALWAYS happy, and both my parents made it that way, and I did grow up in a very happy environment, and I am realizing just how much we didn't have, but in the end how much having each other meant more happiness to us than ANYTHING else in the world....imagine that concept (a concept many people really can't comprehend sometimes)!!!  Having people in our lives I think is more happiness than I will ever imagine to have...it's not money, it's not the big apartments, it's not the cars we drive, it's not the computers, ipods, etc...it's the humans in life that make me happy!!  Now if all the humans in the cyber space of my life can be near me....I'd be ONE happy human being LOL!!!! 

Well, that's all I have to write for now!!!  I'm gonna go clean, and head to the bookstore or something like that - fun stuff on a Saturday....:) :) :) :)!!!  I'm just happy that I am not working LOL!!!! 

[	Current Mood	|	content	]
[	Current Music	|	UR - Alanis Morissette	]

Well...officially 17 years ago today my world as I knew it came tumbling down on me, and bit by bit I have pulled off the rubble that has collapsed around me. July 13, 1988 was the day I found out I would never get another hug, kiss, talking to, prepared food, walk with, sleep next to, call from my mother again!!!  There is really NOTHING I can possibly do to stop these feelings right now, between lonliness, crying, emptiness, and just very overwhelmed with sadness.  I have tried to stop crying...I even cried at my desk during lunch (listening to Music in High Places).  Today was a part of my life that I would take with me for the REST of my life...and to reflect on that today was big...cuz I reflected in a way I truly never really did...I thought of positivity, I told the friends I love so dearly that their friendships mean the world to me (either through text messages, emails, phone calls, etc.), and I talked to my mom in the only way I knew how - hands to the sky and telling her I love her - whether she hears me or not - that's what I did - and I do that every day, but today felt very different - like something totally came over me, and just took my hand, and wiped the tears that I have cried through the night and into the morning.  I'd like to think that was her saying it's gonna be alright...you'll get through it!! Actually I am pretty sure it was her...I just miss her more than anything right now...

Well, I did get out of the dam house tonight briefly - my friend Trish called and told me we are going to the movies....we winded up going to see "Cinderella Man" and well - that definitely was what I needed today...a movie to show me just how to go from being in the total dumps (the Great Depression) to being the Champion!!!!!!!  Just a real feel good movie...and it pretty much did just that!!!  You really don't realize just how much you have until you see what others don't have...and it just puts things into a whole other light...Yes, I don't have my parents with me right now - but there are people in this world that really have nothing, no one, no friends, no family, no food, NOTHING...and IF I can just do something to help them in their life, well I would...in fact I think I should look into helping more in this world...Instead of thinking of my own issues there are others that have it EXTREMELY hard in life...and those are the people I would just love to help....I am thinking of doing something like "Big Sisters, Big Brothers" group, and just taking a less fortunate kid out every week, to teach them how to laugh again, and know what it is like to have a friend in their life. I think I will be looking into that more this week....I just feel like I need to do something....I've had/have people in life to make me happy, do these kids in the groups have that???  I don't know - but IF I can help and make one kid laugh a little more and make their life feel more like living - well hell GOAL ACCOMPLISHED!!!!!

My cousin (Rory's mom) and I are going on day 4 of not talking....and what's killing me more than anything about not talking to her is the fact that I can't see Rory.  I miss that kid so much :(!!!  I haven't seen him in about 2 weeks.  I wonder if he is wondering where I am?  It's funny how much a 3 year old can make your life full of sunshine!!!  Yes, I have 4 other lil cousins, but Rory is my Godson, and just always seems to make me laugh...but what can you do??  I guess I will get through this one too...the reason why we aren't talking...well just because she was judging someone (A perfect stranger) from one situation in his life, and I walked away from the table (cuz I didn't like the judging remarks they were dishing out at him), and when I got confronted and told her that I didn't like the fact that her and my other cousin were judging him, I got yelled at by her like I was one of her kids...and well that's pretty much why she hasn't talked to me...because of a PERFECT stranger!!!  The whole situation is so stupid - if you ask me!!!  I've tried to call it truce....doesn't seem to be happening anytime soon...but God I hope I am somewhat wrong there!

Well, I guess I will head to bed (try to)!!!  I have yet another FULL day ahead of me...trust me, you don't wanna know about work...my lil Bronx attitude almost came out in full force this afternoon when I was being talked down to by a co-worker, because she didn't want to do HER work....the whole team just truly needs to calm down!!!  We are all on edge, and it's not good for any of our mentalities!!!  Here is to hoping tomorrow be a great workday!!! 

Goodnight!!!!!!

[	Current Mood	|	bouncy	]
[	Current Music	|	Fallen - Sarah McLaughlin	]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH - That's all I want to do - is just SCREAM!!!!  What a week, day, hour, minute it has been - today was the topper.  My friends here are literally the WORST...I was gonna go out with my friend (yeah right) Melissa and she just totally fucks me over...why? No clue???!!!  I don't know of anyone who has friends like this??  I mean it's one after the other - it's always been like this - and why the hell don't I just say fuck them all??  I don't know....then they wonder why I never talk to them about things....hmm I wonder why???  They don't care - they need to have it ALL to be centered around them!!!! UGH!!!

Anyway that is pretty much what threw me over the edge tonight!! 

Well, this week was like freaking crazy mania at work - I can't even begin to explain just how very very very nuts it's been.  Yesterday we had a "team meeting" (which consists of 15 people), and while we were in there my boss wanted me to take meeting notes - fine - so I did...had to have them to him by the end of today, so I decided (since the meeting ended 15 mins. before I had to leave) to take the paper work home, and figure it all out, and type it all up @ home, email it to me at work, and that'll be that....WELL, never got to typing it up, and this morning I forgot to bring the paper that I wrote everything on with me back to work, sooooo I didn't have it to him by the end of today, well he wasn't all that mad (he just pressed the pressure button on me the rest of the day about it) I think because he had to do some training thing.....soooo back to the meeting - we were told something needs to be done and why we have so many "old items" in our computers (mind you the day before I did about 200 policies to clear the old items)....so we came up with this "great plan" to print out the report so guess what Genius me did??  I volunteered to do the printing out of this report (which consists of like 150 pages) and highlight everything that is ours...so this morning I got up at 4:15am, got ready and headed to work and started this project at 6:00am and it literally looks like I will have to do this every day next week!!!  So, yeah work has been completely nuts!!!  I can go on and on, but I really won't!!!  Cuz It can all get boring to hear I guess!!!

What else??  Been waking up every day during the middle of the night just thinking, crying, etc...and a really great friend probably one of my bestest has been there for me and listened and just knew exactly what to say (bouncing ball) :o) -  to help me through some really tough things, so it's truly appreciated - just thought I'd mention that!!  Why have I been waking in the middle of the night??  It's mainly because in 4 days from tomorrow my mom was taken out of my life 17 years ago (July 13th)....and I HATE DWELLING on it all...but I do think that is the main reason why I am waking up and crying, etc...then again, who knows???  Could be just the sleep pattern I am going through - no clue....:o?

Tomorrow I have to get the great ol' Jetta fixed!!!  Yep that's happening in the morning...let's see what's wrong with it....dam lemon!!!  Ummm...the whole electrical system is kinda out of wack (hopefully just a fuse) - the power locks, power windows, interior lights, trunk not opening, etc - not working!!!  Umm...my tire has the smallest nail in it, needs to come out, and I need an oil change...LOL!!!  Not too much work to be done on it at all huh???  That's the MAIN things that I need to get done...there's also the emblem, front bumper, windshield all need to get fixed....I am telling you this car was a lemon...and I am truly truly trying to make a HUGE pitcher of lemonade out of it!!!  LMAO!

Well, that's enough here...too much typed up - and I can keep going, but this can't be a novel like I can make it!!!  So have a goodnight the people who are reading this...if it's anyone at all - LOL!!!

You are dependable, popular, and observant. Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness. In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do. You are unique, creative, and expressive. You don't mind waving your freak flag every once and a while. And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming!

[	Current Mood	|	drained	]
[	Current Music	|	Putting the Damage On - Tori Amos	]

So, what a long weekend this weekend was...I've been PMSing all last week, and well..whatever...LOL!!  So, I went and took Rory swimming in his pool....he learned how to backfloat...he did pretty good....so I was all nice and relaxing right by the pool while my cousin and her husband were painting the deck...all of a sudden I hear splash.......Yep you guessed it - Rory had jumped in the dam pool (he had his life preserver on)...he goes all the way under the water though - initial reaction was JUMP IN THERESA, and as I was about to jump in, he comes up from under the water...doesn't even need to take a breath (meanwhile I am trying to stop my heart from beating out of my chest) and goes:  WOW - that was fun...I want to do that again...I just said: NO WAY RORY...and I guess he saw the Terror in my face and he said: "Okay TT - me not do that ever again, it was just a little scarrrry"...LOL!!!  Ughhh....just made my relaxing period go to a shrieking halt...needless to say - I never really relaxed anymore while I was there.  I winded up just getting on my dry clothes and going home!!  Fun huh???

So....July is approaching, and I can not believe it is July already.  This is really a shit month for me...2 reasons...July 2nd is when my Aunt Joanie passed away from Cancer (it'll be 15 years now WOW - she was like my 2nd mother)...and the other BIG reason is July 13th when my mom was taken from me (17 years ago that day).  It's just unbelieveable how time flies, and although it's been so long that these 2 ppl were ripped from my life I feel that I have grown and learned so much from it all.  I've learned to live for every minute, every day, I've learned to treat the people with the respect they deserve, and I've learned who I am, etc...I miss them both soooo much even after all these years, the pain somewhat subsides, but the missing part never really does....but  I'll get through it like always :)!!!

Oh well...I am tired...my friends here are causing wayyyy tooooooo much drama for me tonight - unnecessary drama, stupid stuff, and "high school" drama - I am fucking 28 years old - they act like 17, hanging up on me and then calling back...and all I said for this "Hang up" was: "I will never be in another wedding again"...LOL - whatever!!!  Okay - I can understand hanging up on me IF THEY WERE asking me to be in the wedding and I said that...but this person is still single LOL!!!!  Whatever....friends like that - do I really need enemies??????? 

Well, going to sleep now...I'll deal with the after effects tomorrow I am sure...GOODNIGHT!!!

[	Current Mood	|	dorky	]
[	Current Music	|	The sound of the Central air in the apartment	]

Hmmm...so I was thinking about this for a while now and you know what - here is my pondering about the friendships I hold...It's funny how you know people YOUR WHOLE life pretty much...and something out of the blue just strikes you as sooo wrong that they did to you and you wonder how on earth you can still remain friends with them.....then you have friends you've only known a little while, either met a few times, never met and either just talk over email or IM and still you find that connection with and know they are truest of true friends who you know will never hurt you!!  That's how I am feeling tonight!!!  It's sad when you finally realize that your old friends that live either in the next town over or right around the block can never seem to be there for you, but the ones that are there for you are ones you only known a little while!!! 

Hmmm...just the thought of that is just mind-boggling...but I am soooo glad to have the friends that I've met just last year...those are the friendships that I am holding onto!!!  You know who you people are (IE: The Alanis peeps) - "You're the best listeners I've EVER met....What took me soooo long"...LOL - I know how freaking dorky of me to add a lyric, but it's soooo true...you guys all mean a lot to me :o) - Ahh - so glad to get that out :)!!!

Well, what's going on here?? Nothing but PMS - and that's all folks...think this is PMS? I came home tonight, listened to Head over Feet 3 times and each time cried, CHOCOLATE, CHOCOLATE, CHOCOLATE, screaming at parked cars to move, etc..I'll be okay in a few days!!!

My cousin Sean took a cute pic of Rory and I doing a starring contest last night while I was babysitting - LOL - so I will show you here...

So, yeah I've been waking up completely late for the past 2 days - Like this morning I woke up and noticed it was A LOT lighter out then normal when I wake up - so I go put on the TV and checked the time - guess what - I OVERSLEPT 30 minutes passed my alarm....so hereeeeeeee I go again, jumping out of bed like a freaking lunatic....start the shower, start the coffee, etc...man it SUCKS rushing in the morning - LOL - but I seemed to get an email out too (go figure) LOL!!  But I hope that doesn't happen again tomorrow - cuz in all reality it really stinks jumping and running around so dam early in the morning like that - I am not Richard Simmons - LOL!!! 

And well - that's all - I think it's time for a fudgsicle ice pop (hey it's chocolate LOL)...THANK GOD TOMORROW IS WEDNESDAY!! 3 more days til a weekend!!!

[	Current Mood	|	blah	]
[	Current Music	|	None	]

Couldn't be more true and it went something like this:

Gemini
Ease that credit card back into the wallet -- now's not the time for a spending spree, even a minor one. Declare your own anti-consumerism holiday and buy nothing. Your bank account will thank you. 

Feeling kinda blah today - I don't know what it is...just in that kinda mood I guess - and will most likely snap out of it in the next 24 hours, or at least I hope I will!!!  Just feel like I can cry at the drop of the hat, maybe I need a good cry, but honestly I don't feel like crying...not tonight anyway!! 

Ah, I am just going to go watch some TV and probably fall asleep!!  Hope you all are having a great day/night - 2 more Working days for me and I am finally on vacation for a whole week - I honestly can not wait!!!  This car insurance stuff is taking its toll on me and my brain.

Maybe looking at my Godson will make me feel less blah (he is sick with a fever, sore throat, etc...poor guy :-( - well, here is his picture, in case you wanted to see :) he was acting sorta silly here:

So yeah that's the lil man, my Godson (Rory, he is 3), he is the one that makes me smile when I am in a blah mood, and he is just sooo loveable :)

So that's about it - I am heading offline now - need to just veg out and just watch some tv - hopefully tomorrow I will be in a better mood (most likely will be - these "phases" don't really last long with me).

[	Current Mood	|	blank	]
[	Current Music	|	Surrendering - Alanis	]

So, I've been having a very interesting week....ever get one of those weeks that you feel everything is just collapsing somehow???  Well, that's my week this week....Well, my friend Michael and I had a mini fight - over something, and it just escalated to me being even more pissed than I was in the beginning...wrote an interesting email to him - hope he got that, and is realizing how he can hurt people by what he says - but he probably won't realize that - but whatever....

Yesterday I was BOMBARDED with work - I wasn't at work for 2 days - I was at my company's warehouse working with labelling, and such, and not at my desk doing my own work, but I have to play MAJOR catch up now - because if not, the boss WILL BE calling me into his office.  So, as I am doing MY work, one of the "team leaders" requested that me and 2 other people do someone else's work for 10 policies - mind you I was FUMING....so when I am mad thank God the instant reaction is crying - because if it wasn't I'd be fired...my mouth was going off...I mean SHIT is it fair that I have like piles of paper on my desk, and my work on my computer looks a helluva lot worse than that other persons??  So, today I plan on going to work in a better mood and I am leaving early so that I can get some of my own work done today!!!!

Got news this morning that my other friend Ralph is in the hospital - he passed out and collapsed by a local pizza place on Monday night, got to the hospital, and they found a lot of internal bleeding, did a test (don't really know the name of it), and now today I believe he is getting a colonoscapy (sp?), and I just really pray that he is gonna be alright...I'm sure he will be...:o

Looking for Tori Amos Tickets for NYC, but looks like it's a no-go, and I just tried it again this morning, will keep trying later tonight and tomorrow morning - concert is on Friday - so we'll see :o), if I get them, it's meant to be, if not than whatever LOL! I should've got them when they went on sale...

Well, I better get ready for work...ADIOS!!!!!!!!! 

[	Current Mood	|	drained	]
[	Current Music	|	"You Owe me Nothing in Return" - Alanis Morissette	]

Well...I'm updating...and I can't let my mind relax with all the emotions going on right now - make sense??  Yesterday I got home and found Allison's IM telling me about Kim's husband...and I blankly looked at my computer screen and all I kept saying was OMG!!  It's just something unbelieveable that had happened...so the next paragraph of this Journal entry is for you Kim..

Kim,  There are really no words to express how very sorry I am for your loss.  I can't imagine how you and your kids are feeling at this moment, but I do want you to know that I am here for you with whatever you need, a talk, a shoulder, anything - you name it and I'll be here for you....You are an extremely strong person that I have the pleasure to call a friend, and you will be strong, as hard as it is right now for you to go through all this - you will be and you will stay strong through it all.  I know this because although I haven't been through the extent of losing a husband, I did lose both my parents, as you know, and you do grow strong.  You Have a bunch of friends supporting you, and we will ALWAYS be here to help you through this - through whatever you need and with anything you need...never forget that...I am sending you love, support, a shoulder-you can have both of them (if I could ship my shoulder to Canada for you to have, I would)...My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family - *HUGS*!!!

I will write more later - I am getting ready to go pick up my 12 year old cousin Sam, gonna go to the movies and order pizza...soon he will be "too old, or too "cool"" to be wanting to hang out with me!!  So, as long as he calls, and asks if I want to take him to a movie - I'm happy - next year it'll be a different story....LOL!!